As I was searching for alternatives to candy ideas for Halloween, I couldn’t help but notice some of the outrageous photos on Pinterest. First, let me explain that I am not going to be “that house” on Halloween. I won’t be handing out toothbrushes and toothpaste. I have my son on a gluten-free diet and I know there are other children who have food allergies, so I would like to offer something that they can have too. Of course I will have a bowl of candy as well. Halloween isn’t Halloween without candy, duh.

Back to the post at hand. I don’t know about you, but I have very little time to be creative anymore. After working a full day of work, picking my son up from school, squeezing in a workout (if I can), cooking dinner, picking up the house, bathing my son, reading him books, and putting him to bed; I’m freaking exhausted! Most of the time I am doing this on my own because my husband works out of town. When I think candy alternatives, I’m on this level:

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But then, I start seeing photos like these:

And I’m like, “Who in the hell has time for that?!” The people who serve this at their parties must have personal chefs or they literally have nothing else to do all day besides make up fancy food dishes to post in Pinterest and make moms like me feel bad. (I don’t actually feel bad. I just shake my head and laugh at them.)

The “Graveyard Taco Dip” might be kinda easy to make, but it’s still going to take at least two hours to get all that shit together. I wonder if the person who made this had a toddler attached to their leg repeating, “I want some chocolate milk” the entire time. That would be a hilarious YouTube video.

The “Cheese Eyeballs”? Seriously?! Why would I take a teeny tiny tipped paint brush and paint on red coloring just so someone can shove it in their mouth without even looking at it? Waste. Of. Time. I could be relaxing in the tub with a good book and a glass of wine.

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Although very cute, these cheese broomsticks look like they are so tedious to make. Sitting there cutting the edges of cheese and then masterfully tying it with green chives. I have pretty small fingers, but that seems impossible unless you have a food fairy living in your kitchen. I can just see myself hunched over the breakfast table, tongue out, a thin layer of sweat on my forehead, finally getting one end through the loop, just to have it untie. In which I would give up and just start eating the pretzel sticks and cheese by myself. With a glass (or bottle) of wine, of course.

I’m taking the easy route this year.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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